You’re The Only Place
Sung by Josh Groban

Seems like our love is on a road to nowhere fast
All my life I thought a love like this would last
But every road can hide a corner we can't see
I had a vision that I woke up by your side
I felt you breathing and our souls were intertwined
But who controls love's destiny? Not me.

We had it all right in our hands,
We had the space to fly and still a place to land

So I'm calling out, I'm calling out to the only one
Who can save us from what we've done
Don't leave me hanging on
I'm reaching out and praying you'll come back again
It's just darkness I'm living in
And you're the only place my heart has ever been.

Maybe I'm young and in the ways of love naive
Maybe I'm desperate for a reason to believe
There wasn't any way I thought that we would fall.
I've seen perfection in a rainbow in the sky
I've seen a child make the coldest grown man cry
But loving you I thought was greater than them all.

We had it all, just you and me
Now there's a doorway to my heart without a key

So I'm calling out, I'm calling out to the only one
Who can save us from what we've done
Don't leave me hanging on
I'm reaching out and praying you'll come back again
It's just darkness I'm living in
And you're the only place my heart has ever been.

Wherever you are right now
Come back and show me how you feel
Because I'm lost without you here

Calling out, I'm calling out to the only one
Who can save us from what we've done
Don't leave me hanging on
And I'm reaching out and praying you'll come back again
It's just darkness I'm living in
Cause you're the only place my heart has ever been.

ROFLOL! I love http://icanhascheezburger.com...

So I decided my last post (actually written last night, not today) was too depressing. So everyone else needs to know what's going on in my life, what happened yesterday, and what is going to happen. :-D

(I laughed so hard at this picture, I think I disturbed everyone in the general vicinity...)

Yesterday. Was Tuesday. What more can I say? I stayed up until 11ish the night before working on post-labs, pre-labs, and in-between-labs (:-P). I DID get the data I had been freaking about, although I THOUGHT that a 700% yield of a compound was a little much... Then I got up (later than I was expecting--what can I say? I don't like getting up at 5:30!!!), went to school, finished all my pre-, post-, and half-labs. ...Barely.

I rushed into Biology lecture in time to hear my teacher explaining what groups we were going to be in. Good thing I didn't miss THAT lecture! We actually had a really fun time going off and researching C. diff. PLUS I got 3 extra points for my exam. That's always nice... :-/

Next I rushed to my Chemistry lab, only to discover that I had thrown my goggles away along with the remnants of my lunch (just a plastic bag--don't worry, folks, I haven't changed into some weirdo that only eats half her sandwich). Well, I thought I had thrown them away. Turns out the goggles decided to go into hiding underneath all my textbooks... Smart move, I thought.

Chemistry lab was really pretty fun. My lab partner and I figured out that 58.9% is a much more reasonable for percent yield, rather than 700% (GOSH!), and then we all learned about the characteristics of acids and bases, did some titrations, and made pretty colors. (Why IS it that when someone flirts with you, they insult you??? It's like insulting is a love language or something...)

(Yes, I am being random. Questions? I had coffee this morning.)

Biology lab was next. I actually had time to read ahead while I was sitting there waiting, because Chemistry lab got out a little early and Biology lab is supposed to start 10 minutes after Chemistry lab ends. (That's confusing... Let's just say I had time to read.) We examined our spit and looked at other fascinating bacteria. I was really tired, so it wasn't quite as much fun as it could have been. :-(

I slept on the way home...

Then worked out...

Then was so freaking tired that I couldn't go to bed until 10:30. I am so much like my father when it comes to staying up because I am tired. Yikes.

Benefits of being tired: I watched a documentary on Islamic extremists called "Obsession" and folded all my laundry...from Monday, but we don't talk about laundry timelines. That would be, like, airing my dirty laundry. (Sorry... I think the pun didn't work that time...)

Yesterday was enough for this post. I desperately need to work on that Bible study. Ah, homework... :-)

I miss the good old days. Everyone says not to look back and wish for the old days. But like the children of Israel, I look back and sigh. I do miss what I had, although I certainly will not discredit God’s incredible grace, the remarkable journey He is taking me on, and where He has brought me.

But still I miss the old days. I miss my life from about January through May. Those were wonderful, albeit short months. But then something changed. They became scared again. Everything went downhill from there. We tenaciously held on. But They won.

Even now, I am afraid that I am not thinking in a right way. It is still me against Them. It should not be this way. It is my fault that I see Them as the enemy. But I do. Pray that I grow up and see Them as my allies.

But... I miss the good old days. No, they were not completely good. But we had freedom. There was promise of beautiful things. I had hope. I cannot blame Them. I cannot say They took away my hope. But the hope I now have is regardless of Them. They still have power to dash that hope to pieces. But my hope is not based on anything They will give me.

I am tired. It was a very long day today. That always makes me mellow and moody. I always pity the people who have to put up with me when I am tired. Perhaps that is why I am acting this way.

But no, I am simply verbalizing what I have been thinking for over a month. I need people to get into my mind and show me how wrong I am (*kindly*). I need brothers and sisters in Christ to come alongside me and encourage me to turn away from my wrong thinking. It seems I am in a vicious cycle right now. And the problem is, I need encouragement from people. But They think I am fine now (I no longer have him, so what problems should I have in life???) and do not need help. I am not sure I would accept Their help either. Oh, I am so evil!

And now... No, even then, back after things went downhill, even my closest friends were able to be more free and spend more time with him than I was. Our friends were able to spend more time with him, were even able to stay at his house, while I stayed at home... Yes, I am showing my evil side: I was and am jealous. It is not fair.

But... If life was fair, I would be in hell right now. So I suppose I do not want fairness. But... Oh, how I long to be close to him!

It reminds me of the verse in Song of Solomon, chapter 8, which says “O that thou wert as my brother...! when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised.” (My good old KJV is the closest Bible at hand tonight.) And, again, of the idea that the best things in life sometimes come at the highest price and are the hardest to get.

I am the woman. I am not supposed to be the aggresor. I am not supposed to be interested or at all emotionally attached. But I am interested. I do wish. I do want. And I am so tempted to say... Just DEAL with it! I will not deny what is going on in this heart of mine.

But I know that my heart is desperately wicked and horribly deceitful, that there is nothing good in it. And so I try to keep it in check and take every thought captive. I will wait and pray. For there is naught else I can do. God is in control, and life is best that way.

Sunday, 5 October 2008

I am sitting in my room working on homework right now. I have been sitting in my room working on homework for approximately two hours today, SUNDAY. Sundays used to be days of rest, and they are... In the mornings when I am rejuvenated spiritually by going to church. But then I come home, maybe take a brief nap or something, and then jump back into doing homework. I thought college was not that different from high school. How wrong I was...

I am trying to think of something pithy to say that my dear readers can take away and maybe share with their friends and family. But nothing comes to mind. So I will share a marvelous realization that struck me today in church (and, because I have to hear something multiple times to get it, I have to confess that I have had this realization before): If I have not a goal, a vision, a plan for the work that surrounds me, I will be swallowed up and have nothing to show for the time spent when my life is over.

Doesn’t that sound cool? What I mean is that I realized that I need to have a purpose for my school. I have to remember that it is part of a bigger picture and that it is not my life’s calling (I thank God for that sometimes). If I forget the bigger picture, it is so easy to get swallowed into the depths of despair when I have five ginormous (no, that is not a real word, as my spell-checker is quick to point out) assignments due on Tuesday (AAAAAAACK!).Yeah...

So I am taking Spanish 101 with Senora Endicott and enjoying the class. It was so helpful last year to take Spanish with my other siblings using Rosetta Stone and also taking from a lady in our church who used to live in Spain. It is perhaps my easiest class and is still worth five credits. Yay!

I took a test two weeks ago in Spanish and did fairly well. I think I have an A in the class. We have another test coming up on the 17th. I hope that goes well.

Chemistry and Biology are harder. I have a B and C, respectively, in those classes. But at least I have a C. That is the lowest grade I can have in any class and still receive state funding for attending college while still in high school.

Oh, and today is a Chemistry quiz. I am not really looking forward to it. I should study...

So that concludes my update for now. How are all my dear readers?

Rest not. Become not complacent. Enjoy your happiness, for it is short-lived. Live life to its fullest, and slow down at the happy moments. They go by far too quickly.

The depths of despair... That is where I am. My heart is broken. Once again I hurt, and I let myself get into this. I let myself love. Therefore I opened myself to pain.

I want no conciliatory words. I want no comments or observations. I do not want anyone to come near me. I simply want to be able to cry as much as I need to, and then sink into oblivion and never return.

Truly, man is but dust. He is nothing. What can man do to me? Kill me? Like that would be really bad or something... Torture me? Again, it would distract...

But these are such morbid thoughts. I need to stop.

Monday
21 July 2008

Morning:
We are back up in Denver to help with the Math & Science camp. It is the last week they are doing it, and Mrs. Lin said they will need lots of help. Apparently, last week the kids had a hard time designing their logos, so doing even more complicated tasks like putting together cards with information about planets is going to be REALLY tough. But I’ll bet they can do it...

~*+*~

Psalm 139:1-10
1 O LORD, You have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in–behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I fell from your presence?
8 If I go up tot he heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

God is good. He is faithful. He is merciful. He is loving, even when we are being tested and tried. (James 5:10-11) I am not saying I enjoy trials or pain. It is not fun. But when was life ever for the purpose of having fun? It is about glorifying God, not myself.

Note: This is from yesterday. I'll write about today's events tonight. For those of you who don't know what's going on in my life right now (read: mostly everyone), Esther and I are up at our state capitol assisting with a math & science camp for inner-city kids. It's been an interesting few days... I would really like to come back again sometime soon.

9 June 2008

Hmm... Today was more exhausting than yesterday. I got more sleep and didn’t have any horrible nightmares, so that was good. It started out much as I had remembered the Math & Science Camp that we helped with two years ago, with Amber and I copying the template for a trebuchet onto card stock for the kids.

But then it went back to Math & Science Camp 2008... Which essentially means that the kids have absolutely no will to do anything except break others’ creations, and take the broken pieces and throw them around and hurt others. It is just frustrating to watch them.

While I’m in the midst of the kids, it’s hard to think about anything but them. But once I’m away, it’s interesting to ponder the day. The only two kids who actually built a trebuchet were Alec and Roger, who I worked one-on-two with... The rest of the guys their age and a little older were sitting around talking about all sorts of crap that I would have blushed to hear if I wasn’t quite so deaf and hadn’t been so in la-la-land...

It was made even longer by the fact that we had to quickly clean the sanctuary in preparation for a dinner put on for the local homeless people. Maybe Satan was trying to do a double-whammy here, but we were totally exhausted after running around after the kids and then cleaning, and then Mrs. Lin lost her keys in the confusion when someone put them away with everything else. After an hour of searching in the storage room through all the stuff we had been using that day, we finally found the keys (totally a God thing...) and went home to make spaghetti for supper.

At the camp, however, the kids finished up their spaghetti bridges (don’t know WHY we ate spaghetti tonight, except that there weren’t so many noodles flying around today), made the trebuchets, ate lunch (which was watched by inspectors from the FDA...), played outside, then came back in and worked more on the trebuchets and built a bridge with blocks. After the bridge, the kids tested their eggs, and more importantly, the protection they had put around the eggs, by dropping them off a ladder. The ones who had done a good enough job and kept the eggs from breaking when dropped were given prizes. I cleaned while they were doing that.

I’m learning that the best policy with the really annoying kids is to just YELL at them when they are not behaving. After I did that twice with Avery (one who I was totally having attitude issues with yesterday and then this morning), he was much more willing to respect me and listen to what I told him to do.