I miss the good old days. Everyone says not to look back and wish for the old days. But like the children of Israel, I look back and sigh. I do miss what I had, although I certainly will not discredit God’s incredible grace, the remarkable journey He is taking me on, and where He has brought me.

But still I miss the old days. I miss my life from about January through May. Those were wonderful, albeit short months. But then something changed. They became scared again. Everything went downhill from there. We tenaciously held on. But They won.

Even now, I am afraid that I am not thinking in a right way. It is still me against Them. It should not be this way. It is my fault that I see Them as the enemy. But I do. Pray that I grow up and see Them as my allies.

But... I miss the good old days. No, they were not completely good. But we had freedom. There was promise of beautiful things. I had hope. I cannot blame Them. I cannot say They took away my hope. But the hope I now have is regardless of Them. They still have power to dash that hope to pieces. But my hope is not based on anything They will give me.

I am tired. It was a very long day today. That always makes me mellow and moody. I always pity the people who have to put up with me when I am tired. Perhaps that is why I am acting this way.

But no, I am simply verbalizing what I have been thinking for over a month. I need people to get into my mind and show me how wrong I am (*kindly*). I need brothers and sisters in Christ to come alongside me and encourage me to turn away from my wrong thinking. It seems I am in a vicious cycle right now. And the problem is, I need encouragement from people. But They think I am fine now (I no longer have him, so what problems should I have in life???) and do not need help. I am not sure I would accept Their help either. Oh, I am so evil!

And now... No, even then, back after things went downhill, even my closest friends were able to be more free and spend more time with him than I was. Our friends were able to spend more time with him, were even able to stay at his house, while I stayed at home... Yes, I am showing my evil side: I was and am jealous. It is not fair.

But... If life was fair, I would be in hell right now. So I suppose I do not want fairness. But... Oh, how I long to be close to him!

It reminds me of the verse in Song of Solomon, chapter 8, which says “O that thou wert as my brother...! when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised.” (My good old KJV is the closest Bible at hand tonight.) And, again, of the idea that the best things in life sometimes come at the highest price and are the hardest to get.

I am the woman. I am not supposed to be the aggresor. I am not supposed to be interested or at all emotionally attached. But I am interested. I do wish. I do want. And I am so tempted to say... Just DEAL with it! I will not deny what is going on in this heart of mine.

But I know that my heart is desperately wicked and horribly deceitful, that there is nothing good in it. And so I try to keep it in check and take every thought captive. I will wait and pray. For there is naught else I can do. God is in control, and life is best that way.