It has been almost an entire year since I last posted on this blog or any of my blogs. It is amazing what happens in a year! Who would have guessed that I would have gone to UCCS, PPCC, and now ACC in that short a time? Who would have guessed what events would transpire in the next eleven months? Certainly not me. I dare not guess what the Lord has for me in future years to come.
...Well, I will dare a little. I will dare to hope that I will get through this semester, my first semester working and going to school at the same time. I will dare to hope that I can get good grades in all my classes so that I can be eligible for the nursing program here or wherever else God opens a door for me. I will dare to hope that I can get through the LPN program, get a good job, make money, and marry my sweetheart. Yes, I am bold--but I dare to hope that all will come true. I love being young because I look forward to the future. I love having promise of change (not the kind Obama promises, but change for the better). Youth is not always wasted on the young. It is unfortunate, however, that I am not good at being content with where God has put me for now. In that way, I suppose my youth is wasted on me...
(It is 1 AM as I write this, and I have gotten out of the practice of writing coherent rants, so I am trying, unsuccessfully, to be clear.)
Who can guess what God has in store for each one of us? Each day is a new experience. Today may be the most boring day you have ever had, yet it may change your life. It may be the most exciting day and a turning point. Each day is important and invaluable. God uses each day to change us. He is using every moment to shape and mold us. I wonder if He does it despite what we want... I think He does sometimes, because I know sometimes I prefer to remain stagnant. But He is also a gentleman and will not push us more than we will let Him. My theology must be really strange, but I believe it is a combination--He pushes me into circumstances I do not want, but I then have the choice to learn from it or not.
Like I said, who would have guessed what would happen in these eleven months for me? They were not a lot of fun. At times, I really tried to take things into my hands. And yet... God had everything under control, in His capable hands, the entire time. He used everything, still is using everything, to grow me in ways I would not have imagined.
I am learning self-discipline: working night shifts, morning shifts, and the graveyard shifts, and then going to school, doing homework, and trying to sleep have forced me to learn how to get enough sleep to survive. Everybody used to have to TELL me to go get sleep, but I think I figured out that I need to get sleep without them bossing me around... (Gee, you would think I would have figured this out when I was, what, 13 at the latest?!) :P
I am learning to stand on my own two feet. I am not advocating being a rugged individualist (although the American culture certainly is pervasive more than most people are conscious of), but I do advocate knowing what you think. I let people think for me before; I am figuring out what exactly *I* think now. Not that what I think is all that amazing or profound or always accurate, but it means that I am not weak-minded and easily swayed by the best-sounding arguments. I have to actually THINK! And that means the beliefs I was raised with are becoming my own, rather than my parents'. Again, I wish I had figured this out years before, but better late than never. I am becoming my "own" person, if you will. An individual who knows that she alone will stand before the Lord one day and give an account for her actions; no one else will be there to say they did everything and I just followed.
I have gained some self-confidence. Perhaps that is not the term to use. I am not confident in myself, but I am confident that the Lord has given me abilities to do things I never imagined possible before. I have strength that I never knew I had.
I have come to realize that my parents did a lot of things right. And I admire them for the things that must have been difficult but they did anyway. I realize now just how ungrateful a wretch I am; maybe one day, when our relationship is restored completely, I will be able to tell them how grateful I am for everything they provided, did, and how much they loved me.
And through all this stuff has been my sweetheart. God brought him along at just the right time. To be my best friend, support, and comfort. How blessed I am! Ricky is an incredible blessing. Incredible. And I love, yes, LOVE him. I used to wonder if I knew what true love is; and God reminded me that "greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). He showed that to me, and I get to show it to Ricky and everyone else around me. I trust him, admire him, and respect him for the man that he is. He sure is not perfect, and we both get to remind each other of our weaknesses, but I love him, warts and all. (:P)
God is good.