Monday, August 13, 2007

Before you begin reading this post, realize that it is from a year and three months ago. But perhaps it applies today. I don't know. I just wanted to revive it and see what y'all thought...

Broken Trust
Have you ever known someone who you really liked and wanted to be around with who told you something you later found out wasn't true? What if that "something" didn't need to be told, yet when you found out, you were happy it was true? What if that "something" that you were so happy about yet didn't need to be told was not true?

Speaking about a hypothetical situation, suppose there is a girl (sorry, I write from the perspective of girls because I don't know much about guys) that longs to be loved. Guess that goes without saying...but suppose this girl thinks this one guy is really cool because he pays attention to her. All girls like the attention of guys, speaking as a general rule.

So, say this girl kind of likes the guy, and then he tells her he is interested in her as a girlfriend. There are some other situations surrounding the statement, but it's a really cool thing, right? Suppose this girl, although she didn't think he liked her as anything but a friend, is flattered by this statement. Suppose this girl has never had a guy like her before that told her.

This girl may be in a precarious position because she now holds this guy's heart in her hand. But she's honored, in a way, to find that he's interested in her. Here comes the interesting suppose this guy, who she's starting to see in a different light because he likes her and she thinks she really likes him, tells her he wasn't telling the truth.




Does that not sound painful? And the worse part to this hypothetical situation (as if it weren't bad enough already) is that this guy has parents and siblings that know she liked him. Now they feel ackward around her, and she feels like she's betrayed them, given them the wrong impression because she did fall for him in a way, but she knows she was wrong.

She feels dirty, tainted. She didn't make plans for their marriage or do anything wrong physically, but she did allow herself to go emotionally farther than she should have, and she regrets it. She didn't do anything morally wrong, but she feels unfaithful to her future husband. She feels as if she's been forced to do something she was consciously avoiding just because of a few careless words.

The funny thing is, now she doesn't feel she can trust this guy because he lied to her once...who's to say everything else he said wasn't a lie? Let's say (to make matters EVEN worse) that this girl trusted this guy and told him some things that she hadn't really planned to. Now she feels dirty even more. She wanted to share this only with a true boyfriend. She knows she was confused, but she feels bad for what she did.

When presenting this hypothetical situation to my best friend, she said that the girl needed to know that the guy wasn't who God had in mind for her. She needed to know what she was looking for in a guy. This girl needed this experience in order to learn more about life, guys, herself, her future, and God.

My heart aches with the thought that there really are girls out there that feel this way. They might not have God in their lives, and they don't know what they're missing. They just know that "something" is not right. Even Christian girls feel this way--at least one girl I know does.v


jennifer said...

OUCH is right! Wow, that is so devastating. I not really sure what I would say. I would listen and be there...but I am not sure what advice I would give. You are right about how hard it is for girls, even godly ones, to stay emotionally guarded when it comes to guys. I would think in this case the girl had every reason to think it was ok to let her guard down a bit because of what the fellow told her. It does present a quandary for us doesn't it? I mean, if we let every guy in then we HAVE given away something that belongs only to our future spouse. However, if we don't EVER let ANYONE in, then how will they know and fall in love with who we really are?

I think this OUCH touches women who are single and godly of every age.

I guess I would tell the girl involved to go to her Father with everything that is in her heart. Cry out to Him. Confess to Him the areas she feels that she failed Him and him (her future hubby) and then let Him heal her bruised heart. Then, I would counsel her to pray for the betrayer (yes, you read right). Pray God's blessings upon him. This will help her to not be bitter, which is so very dangerous. I have to pray for God to bless my exhusband and the woman (now wife) that he left me for. And when I don't really mean what I am praying, I pray about that, too. I say something like this: "Father, I know it is in your will that I forgive and that I pray for him. But if I am honest with you I don't FEEL like it. But out of obedience to you, I am CHOOSING to forgive and choosing to obey you. I know that you can help change my heart. And I am praying that you will." He knows us and loves us and will honor our obedience.

Lastly, I would tell her that the man God has for her will not look down upon her for her mistake. He will see her for who she truly is--His--and will fall in love with her heart for Him. When someone loves you because of the love they see you have for Him, then they seem to understand those times when you might have made a wrong choice.

Wow...I didn't mean to write so much! I hope you don't mind. And, remember this is the advice of a 35 year old woman who loves God with all that she is...but who has had her heart broken, shattered beyond belief. So, I know from where I speak.

Hope that helps.


jennifer said...


Thanks for commenting about this comment on my blog.

It was my pleasure to offer my advice; however, I know that I am so often wrong about things! :D BUT, I can say this....praying for those who hurt you is ALWAYS a good thing. So that I know is wise counsel.

You are such a beautiful young woman of God. I have glimpsed into your heart via your writing and I am touched to know that there are young women out there like you who are sold out to Him. The man God has for you must be a truly magnificent man if he will be able to capably lead you and guide you. I am sure he will be able to say of you one day: "You make me want to be a better everything!"

Keep those thoughts in mind while you are waiting for the right one. I am sure the waiting can be long, but God is the true Romantic, and I just know that He is busy placing all the necessary pieces of your love story into place. After all...our lives are like a giant puzzle, and those of us who love Him are blessed to have His nail scarred hands putting the pieces into place.


Firefly said...

Theoretically speaking, ouch. The girl in this situation needs to remember that she has a long road ahead of her. She should remember that there's nothing in her life that God didn't put there for a reason...and that isn't being fatalistic at all. I'm sure this can wreak havoc on someone's emotions, and a natural sense of indignation is sure to arise. However, this girl should really concentrate on keeping her sights on God and what He wants for her, no matter how she was hurt in a past relationship. He'll always take her back, no matter how torn up or battered she feels.

Of course, I don't know said girl's heart...and said girl doesn't know said guy's heart. Maybe the guy in this situation needs to grow up, too. Someday, he'll regret what he did. Maybe he'll want to make up with the girl. But the girl should not be reliant on the guy's acceptance-especially if the guy is not who God has in mind for her. Kindness is always the best tactic, though...the girl should try that first and then resort to guerilla warfare if necessary. But only if necessary. The Bible says to honor all people, especially the people who hurt you. You know the old adage (actually a Bible verse) turn the other cheek when your enemy slaps you. I don't know everything about the situation the girl's in, but it looks like the Enemy is really slapping her. But this is all part of God's overarching plan. Maybe the girl in this tricky situation needs to learn humility. I recall hearing somewhere that everyone struggles with pride. Well, God disciplines those he loves, and if this young lady is a Christian who's really committed to learning more about him, then he will discipline her in any areas he knows that she needs it.

As for parents and is unusual for a girl in this day and age to come into contact with a potential boyfriend's parents and/or siblings before they are really "going steady," to use a somewhat old-fashioned word. So the girl should tread carefully around the parents and siblings of the guy. However, if she liked them before she had trouble with the guy, and the feeling was mutual, then the family shouldn’t have a bone to pick with her, provided she didn’t lie through her teeth to the guy and/or his family or hurt any of them in any way. So while feeling awkward is only natural, that feeling should slowly diminish over time. People don’t usually hold grudges like that...not when there was no ill deed and it was not committed against them.

So in summary, this girl needs to grow. And God knows the best way possible to help her do that. She should really focus on trusting him and keeping her priorities straight. As for all the “perfect husband” stuff...there’s so much I could say there. Hey, God knew what that girl would do when he introduced her to that guy. He know she would be hurt, and possible heartbroken. If the girl feels she has been dealt with unfairly, tell her (providing you have contact with her) to look in the Bible a verse-any verse-where God promises his followers that following him will not cost them anything.

jennifer said...

Hey Allegra,

My blog has a new name and a new look. Let me know what you think!


Sarah B said...

Wow. What a piece of writing.

As I read between the lines (I can do that, right?) I see all over again situations that happened a year ago.

Isn't God good?! When we cry out to Him, He answers us, and restores us.

It's a lot to think about tonight, and it's probably good for me to hear this! (You know what I mean.)

Love ya!

Jonathan M said...

Thank you for the encouraging comment you left on my blog. God is my strength...I will continue to wait.
As for your post, as a guy I really feel from the other end. The hypothetical girl shouldn't feel nearly as horrible as the guy. This is what is commonly known among guys as a 'player'. He gives girls slight hopes just to see how they react...not caring too much about their hearts. I think every guy (and perhaps every girl...I don't know) has a bit of this in him.
It really boils down to a security thing. We guys have huge security problems too. It's comforting to have a lot of girls liking us, even if we don't care about them. It's selfish and sinful.

Matthew said...

That was a great post Allegra. You know, I have a question you might be able to help with.

Say from the guy's perspective, you pay attention to a girl because she's really nice and a good friend, but you don't want to go further. Say you never actually say that you're interested in her specially, but you don't want to give that impression because you don't ever want her to feel betrayed like that.

What do you do? Do you say outright that you don't want any boyfriend-girlfriend thing? That would be the height of bad taste, I think, and very embarrassing if she never even thought of it that way. That would spoil the relationship.

So from your perspective as a girl, what kind of actions should the guy avoid?

Allegra said...

Wow, everyone! Your responses are amazing! Let me start with Sarah...

Sarah, you are right. This situation is from a year ago. You're welcome to read between the lines, but you're the only one who really knows what was going on at the time. I do hope that you are surviving right now. Love you too!!!

Jonathan, thanks for returning the favor and commenting on my blog. You're right - the motive behind the guy's actions was pretty selfish. At the same time, the girl was rather silly...

And you're right - I think every girl has a bit of a desire to have multiple guys liking her to give her some security. Hey, who doesn't want to be popular? As a girl, then we have control over the guys! It's a power play, I think...

Matthew, let me start with your last question of what a guy should not do in order to keep a girl from liking him and thinking he's interested in a romantic relationship. Perhaps I'm really touchy when it comes to this, (pardon the pun - you'll catch it in a minute), but I do not like to be touched by a guy. I do, but not if he's not interested in me. It's one thing to dance (although, even there you REALLY have to be careful), but to put your hand even on her shoulder can make her think you're interested in her. Some girls aren't that way, though... It really depends on who you're talking about.

Another thing to avoid if you don't want a girl to think you're interested in her is expressions of interest in seeing her, getting to know her better, etc. That REALLY gets her thinking that you're interested in a romantic relationship. Again, perhaps I'm just touchy, but when a guy says that type of thing to me, I either think it's really cool or really horrible. It tells me that he's very interested...

By your words you shall be known...what you say has a huge impact on girls. How you act also does. You can say that you're not interested in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship (although I agree with you - that's the epitome of bad taste unless she has already asked if that's what you're interested in...but then, I'm not as discreet as I probably should be), but if you only talk to that one girl, pursue one-on-one time with her, she's going to read something different into your actions.

Group settings are really good for guy-girl relationships on any level - whether "just friends" (although, I add the caveat that even when you're married you'll be "friends" with your wife) or boyfriend/girlfriend, it keeps things in perspective. Things can get foggy when you're alone with someone of the opposite sex.

Girls are so tender that it's probably really hard for you as guys to keep from hurting us. We need to learn to protect our hearts by giving them into the hands of our wonderful Creator and Father. If a girl decides that she likes you, there is not much you can do, except make it clear that you think of her just like you do all the rest of your female friends. If you pay special attention to her, though, she will read things into your actions that you might never have thought possible. It's how we were made...if you saw Aaron Harms' HI, you'll understand. :D

Okay, so I've said a lot, but perhaps not what helps. If you're friends with one girl and really enjoy her company, let her know that you do. But if it's just as "friends," you can do that in a group setting. Pay attention to other girls - special treatment towards one girl is usually what sends us the signal that you like her. Does that make sense?

I hope this has helped! It's such a confusing topic...

God bless!

Sarah B. said...

I second Allegra's comment about touch. NEVER single out one girl for extra touch unless you really mean it. Anything much more than a handshake is a no-no.

Unless you're just a huggy type guy (I do know a few). Then be wary of each girls' reaction, and be prepared to be hands-off if you sense she's feeling uncomfortable at all.

Also, Allegra hit it the nail on the head when she said no to express interest in getting to know a girl more. "I'd really like to get to know you better" might seem like an innocent phrase, but it's not. If you do want to be friends with a girl (purely friends), hang around with other girls in her group as well. NEVER make her feel that you're interested in just her.

One rule to use: Never say anything to a girl, or touch her, that you wouldn't say/touch her mom in the same way, for the same reason. Example: If a girl you know fairly well just broke, and is on cloud nine, a brief "yay, you broke" hug is okay.

I don't think it's just me either, I've heard similar things from many girls.

Hope that helped.


Matthew said...

Thanks Allegra and Sarah, that helps.

N8 said...

Wow! If I hadn't just done a bunch of pushups, and practiced my rusty martial arts to cool down, I would be going out the door to pound that guy into the ground! Sorry, but that kind of behavior from guys gets me really steemed up. :-/

Allegra said...

Heh...the guy wasn't the only problem... But I appreciate your strong feelings on the subject! I know one person who won't be playing with girls' hearts any time soon... :-)