Monday, September 01, 2008

Rest not. Become not complacent. Enjoy your happiness, for it is short-lived. Live life to its fullest, and slow down at the happy moments. They go by far too quickly.

The depths of despair... That is where I am. My heart is broken. Once again I hurt, and I let myself get into this. I let myself love. Therefore I opened myself to pain.

I want no conciliatory words. I want no comments or observations. I do not want anyone to come near me. I simply want to be able to cry as much as I need to, and then sink into oblivion and never return.

Truly, man is but dust. He is nothing. What can man do to me? Kill me? Like that would be really bad or something... Torture me? Again, it would distract...

But these are such morbid thoughts. I need to stop.


Sarah B said...

I am not offering any comments or observations. Nor conciliatory words.

I simply am being here. I love you.

Allegra said...

Thank you, dear sister. I love you too. It's going to take a while... Pray for him especially. He is so precious!

Glass Mannequin said...

People become shells when they stop allowing themselves to use their heart. Your heart is a muscle as is your brain. If you don't use your heart, it won't work when you need it. So I suggest you start slow and build meaningful relationships with real people that -don't- evolve beyond simple friendship. Put your heart through a sort of emotional re-hab. But please, keep using it.

I offered an observation, a comment, and a few conciliatory words. I apologize, but I find that when people ask for certain things not to be given, it's because they need them most.


Allegra said...


You are right. C.S. Lewis said something similar in his book, The Four Loves:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

I know that we have been given hearts by God. I know that He wants us to use them to turn to Him, to want Him, to love Him completely.

Truly, this pain reminds me daily that I desperately need God. He alone gives me the grace to survive every day. And this just makes that more obvious. Even when we aren't thinking about His bountiful mercies, He is giving us our next breath. He is good, and I desperately need Him above all else.

And no, I will not cut myself off from the human race. We were all created with the need for other humans. And God is so truly blessing me in ways I cannot understand. Sometimes the hardest times in life are also the most growing, the best times in my life.

Thanks, Glass!

Glass Mannequin said...

Well, you see, I think that my problem is that I -am- ready for a romantic relationship but I don't know -how- to go about doing it. I can think of several girls that I -could- date but I don't know if I particularly want to be someone's boyfriend. I don't know who's I would want to be.

I just wish one of the two girls would make me feel just slightly for or against one or the other. They're both being very passive, though that's probably because neither one knows that I like them.


Glass Mannequin said...

Well, I can tell that you are a very god central person but, Allegra, I must tell you that I am not.

What I am is a very hormonally driven, teenage boy and I have certain desires that aren't being met.

Of course, I would never -ever- take advantage of a girl. I think that that is despicable. However, I have no problem engaging in such activities as a willing partner.

Now, I think that what you misunderstood earlier is that I'm "ready" for a romantic relationship. It's true. I'm just wondering if what I want is a relaxed, informal but very physical relationship, or a deeply emotional, physically distant relationship.

I'm deciding what I *want.* I didn't mean to mislead you. I'm sorry.


Allegra said...

LOL! Anyone who saw the comment from Bob Kelly will see that I am not as cool as I wish I was. :P But I *do* decrease hives. :P