Thursday, September 13, 2007

Yes, I have been remiss in updating. I apologize, dear reader. Here is my disclaimer: This was written by someone who prefers to remain anonymous and is good at writing depressing things, no matter how they are feeling, so don't freak out (precious freaks, you know who you are... :P).

Hmm...where should I start? At the beginning? How much does one tell? How much stays in our memories to provoke, haunt, and tease us?

I am with about twenty other kids my age right now. I'm distracted for the most part from my problems, but every now and then, without warning, something will happen or some music will play, and I will break down. I don't exactly cry (I really don't want everyone to notice me...I'd rather go hide in a corner), but I get all teary and can't look at anyone for a few minutes.

"What happened?" you may be asking. But that's not what matters. What matters now is where I need to go. Do I run into someone's arms? Well, I'd love to, but humans can only offer us so much comfort. (Not saying that they can't and don't help...) I MUST turn to my heavenly Father, who does not change like the shifting shadows (James 1:17-18).

I am tempted to be mad at God right now. It feels like He allowed me to be really happy, happier than I thought I could have been, only to push me off the cloud. I made up a saying this morning: the higher up you are, the further down you have to fall. Not really deep or philosophical, but it does beg the question: if you are happy, does that mean you have to be careful that you don't get too happy so you can't be too disappointed? I THINK NOT!!!

Cynicism buys nothing. Just a lack of friendship and a gain in frustration. So what is the answer, then? If you are happy, you will eventually be unhappy, right? Well, I think I know what my problem was: I was happy, but it was based on this race called man. If I had based my happiness on God, I could have been happy even without having any interaction with that oh-so-fallible race called man. (Now I'm sounding like I'm going to become a hermit or a nun, but stick with me...)

Cynicism is, quite honestly, my cure when I have been hurt. It doesn't matter how good the people have been, how honorable they are. If I am hurt, I push out all possibilities and refuse to trust anyone else. But this is not right, because it's not man's fault that I got hurt so much. Getting hurt is my fault - not because I trusted someone, but because I am basing my personal happiness on the race of man.

When my heart feels like it will explode (and not with happiness), I remind myself of this: Our heavenly Father, who does not change like shifting shadows, wraps me in His arms and holds me as His precious child. "Yea, though I walk through the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For thou art with me..." Even in times of greatest trouble, where must I turn to keep from getting so depressed that I'd kill myself? (Yes, if you get depressed enough, thoughts of suicide do come.)

I MUST turn to my heavenly Father when I hurt and am lonely. I must, because no human being has the capability to love me or comfort me nearly as much as He does! I must, because He died for me. He loved and loves me so much that He died for me, a poor, miserable wretch, and made me His princess. Trusting Him, running to Him for my comfort is the least I can do!

1 comment:

Sarah B said...

You updated!! :)

I'm sorry to hear things aren't going that great.

Praying for you sister!